I’ve been out here traveling now for five months and it’s been the most incredible experience thus far yet I don’t know what I’m looking for. There’s something I’m looking for but I don’t know what it is.
Isn’t it interesting how that works…
I’m emotional, tonight.
Knowing that there is so much mystery to this whole existence, knowing that everything is connected and that we are connected to this source energy, GOD. That which everything lives through and there is a harmony and an energy in life that connects all things; I know that in my heart.
Though, I want to experience all of it, all that I am and all that is within me.
Honestly, I don’t even know how that would look like or feel.
But I don’t want to read about it, I don’t want to be told about it because it’s something that can’t be read about, it can’t be understood, it has to be experienced. Felt at the most visceral levels, But how?
I don’t know what I’m searching for, but I know I’m searching…
There is so much I don’t know and I don’t want to pretend I know. I’ve been mastering my heart center for many years now. I live from the heart; I’ve felt my way through life, for most of it. I don’t want to pretend that I have all or any answers because the truth is I don’t. I’m just living in this human experience the best I know how to and I share only what I have come to understand through my own experiences. But I’m ready for something more, something bigger within myself…
I feel like an old loop, repeating the same things. Knowing the same things.
Which yes, are of value and there is much wisdom in the experiences I’ve gained and my understanding thus far. But there is so much I don’t know. There is in an infinite wisdom deep inside me that I have yet to access.
And here I am. Not really knowing why I am even writing or what I’m writing as I move my fingers across this keyboard.
I’m simply trying to translate these feelings that are swirling in and around me, that are filling me up right now. That have me emotional.
Its an energy.
Its alive and it’s moving all throughout my body.
It’s filling up my chest and the feeling of wanting to cry is coming forth.
There’s a strong energy within.
The tears are here, but they are not tears of sadness nor joy I can’t quite describe it.
They just are.
Perhaps there is no need to try and describe it.
We live our whole lives trying to describe and explain things, rarely ever allowing things to be what they are.
As much destruction as there is in the world, there too is much seen and even more unseen beauty that exists but we are too blind to see it, too numb to feel it. There is a much deeper language that the Universe speaks, many would say it’s love and I believe it is. But it’s a love that most of us don’t fully grasp because many of us have never experienced the purest of purest love. That love that is alive, that exists in everything. That love that is pure consciousness. It’s unspoken, no words or explanation required. Only a deep knowing and that knowing brings a deep compassion and respect for all things and all beings.
I want to live in this world but not be of it.
I want to live as my spiritual being having a temporary human experience.
GOD, my Angel, What am I looking for, What am I here for…
I’ve come so far in my human experience, in truly loving and accepting myself and that is the biggest gift I could have given to my human self to love myself as I do. To know my heart as I do. I’ve looked into it and it’s pure, there’s still much innocence that lives inside my heart. There is a well of love that lives within me and I love that. But still there is something my soul is looking for. Perhaps its YOU, a closer YOU and I know that the closest I can get to you is through me. There is another level within I know I haven’t reached yet and I won’t find it out there nor listening to others.
There is much spiritual talk now a day, which is a beautiful thing and I’m so happy to see many people seeking and looking…
But somewhere along the way you start to think you’ve got it all figured out, so much information out there, so many people saying the same things including myself and things that yes, they are of value. But how can I convey what I’m trying to express?
I need to unlearn everything I think I know right now. I want to know nothing. Sometimes too much knowledge does more harm than good. The more you think you know, the less you actually know.
I surrender to you. I surrender to my higher self.
I wish to know but to know; I have to know that I do not know.
I’ve reached a plateau within myself, I’ve known this for a while now and it’s part of the inner journey I’ve been on. To others I seem wise but I too know that there is much more, I have not reached that deeper part of myself. I’m not writing to appease anyone. This writing is for me to just let go and allow whatever comes through, despite if it makes sense or it doesn’t.
My angel, you know how I feel and what I’m trying to express even when I do not know what that is. Look inside me, feel me and help me to understand that which I do not understand… Remove the knowledge so that I may become empty space. A space that can then be filled with the new, the unknown.
There is something that is waiting for me I feel it, I can’t explain it but there is something that is awaiting me and I am ready to accept it.
I’m ready.
I’m open.
I surrender.
I let go of all that I think I know.
I free myself from all knowledge, from all the thinking of what I think I should know & know.
I let it go.
I open myself to receive all that which I am meant to receive.
I am empty, I am empty, I am empty space.
Silent space.
Space in between space… That I AM.
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